let's escape through the thoughts

later today<3

2009-12-24T05:09:53Z

I'm a super fan of SWP!
LOVE HIM SO MUCH!

I can't wait to see him tomorrow <3 <3 <3

Year in Review {2009}

2009-12-24T05:08:55Z

START time: 11:58 PM

Go to your Calendar and find the first entry for each month of 2009. Post the first line of it in your journal, and that's your "Year in Review".

January: An unusually story I would write.

February: I've never felt a love like this <3 SWP Nov. 9, 2008 - current :)

March: Is it wrong to suddenly not want to go to one of your close friends 21st bash?

April: what does one do when they are affected by being overly medicated?

May: I'm addicted.

June: Would you like to know what I pondered across while coming home from work tonight?

July: Updates are a must.

August: I signed up for the monthly price 39.95 for weight watchers.

September: Whenever I wish to write here, my mind wanders onto something else.

October: so, I haven't written here in what seems months?

November: punched two doors more than once.

December: philosophy final review. right hand has died. two things, or two+ plus things I learned.

End Time: 12:09 AM

December 23, 2004

2009-12-24T04:57:48Z

(no subject)

[info]mistofmemories
December 23rd, 2004

emotion:
cold

music:
Just Be (514 mix) - DJ Tiesto

It's a fact, boys break hearts.

Well tonight I purchased NAPOLEON DYNAMITE! I heart NAPOLEON! He's sooo hilarous, the way he walks and runs and his gorgeous skills! He melts my heart <3! OMG I effin hate uncle rico, he's so nasty and gross, he needs to be in jail. thats what made the movie turn out ew.

The mall with Amber was so much fun! I purchased 2 pins: I heart Napoleon + Made in the 80's. 2 stickers, 1 of that sexy man I call Nap.Dy. and a LIGER!!! I don't buy anything unless I really want it and need it AND have guts to go up to the register and buy it. (long story). We saw Lemony Snicket's, real good.

I actually practiced guitar today and loved it. everyone keeps telling me they think i'm really good... I don't believe them. yeah right yo.

write more later.

It's finally Christmas, well almost.

2009-12-24T04:50:31Z

Grades!
Web Design 3: A-
Digital Imaging 2: A!!
Philosophy; C- AWESOMEnessss!
Theological Ethics: INC.

Ethics, I'm worried about. and.I bite my tongue.owh.
I failed to write the last paper which I agreed to have done by today.
19 mins left of the day.
will it be possible to write bullshit of 2.5 - 4 pages.
I write awful!
I'm an artist,
no longer a writer. I suck man. like fo reals.

and it's on a book I hardly read. the paper is supposed 2b about what kind of relationship would I most ideally like to have when it comes to sex? what man? Idk. how the eff am I supposed to write about that? does HE really want to know about my relationship and private actions? what is this?? oh and the best part is I have to explain why. pfttt. I think not.

it would have helped if he did what he told me to do..."it would be good to get hold of another class member and to discuss her or his notes with them. BAH! like I did that. point *L* to the forehead. oh snap!

I just thinking about how it was to be away in the hospital. away. 2b put away? only voluntarily. honestly, I do miss it. JUST some parts. I don't want to go back. you know what I want? I want Della to be happy. that's what I want!

it made me sad to know that she isn't happy :(

there's so much I'd like to add here, but there's just too much.

What do I need to do?
laundry.badly.
clean room.badly
wrap gifts<3
scribe papel.write paper?

BEST place to shop for Christmas??? BATH&BODY WORKS! ++ bed bath & beyond :) :) :)

and the kids are here for like a week? and they are just horrid already. i'm not a fan!

perhaps to be uploaded, something from a year(s) ago around this time. kthx.

And I came out alive.

2009-12-15T02:47:23Z

A part of me wants to believe that I'm happy.
I don't know if that is how I feel though.
perhaps, I feel like I need to be happy
because the semester is over.
I have fully completed fall 2009.
The one and only devastating semester.

And I came out alive.

still a nail-biter.

Q: is it possible to have emotions of happiness and melancholy at the same time?
A: I'm happy, yet I think of certain things, and they bring me down. I forget.
then remember.
I'm happy.
Am I really?

was it just

2009-12-08T23:57:29Z

just began already.
maybe I'll feel better.

when I was supposed to ~~feel better~~-at the phone call. I didn't.

I would like to state how miserable I am currently feeling.

I really admire those who do not suffer from what I do.

Nodding your head into nothingness (question mark)

2009-12-08T01:22:25Z

December 7-

philosophy final review. right hand has died. two things, or two+ plus things I learned.
1. I never knew the prof wore jeans, but these pair of jeans were definitely designer! since he has the big $bucks$. well, it was the first time of knowing him for a year and wearing jeans!

2. what was the other thing?

Private property/alienated labor/proliteriat.

I also have not received my mid-term back. I've taken about 4 or 5 of the quizzes. He drops 2. One I did miss the class, but have a dox note= 0 ? to be dropped out of the two or not to be counted at all. I'm not worried. if I see a D- .fine.

FINAL= nietzsche. oh that reminds me. name pronunciation. I have been saying the prof's name wrong all along. ha! also, I've been saying niet. wrong also.

miss error pronunciation.

Wednesday the 9th = Phil Final: Freidrich Nietzsche, Karl Marx.

Theo Ethics = Incomplete, each week an assignment is due. Wed the 9th @ 7pm = mid-term (making up from oct.)

DI2: next monday = final. panoramas2b done. photomatix/photoshop cs3* hdrs.
wd3: website up :) FINALLY! 86% done.

DROPPED design with type. FUCK HER MAN! fo reals.

attempted 18 credits.
12 credits = successful.

SPRING 2010: INDIE STUDY: TYPE, 20TH CENTURY, ART HISTORY II
SUMMER 2010: INTERNSHIP, AMERICAN LITERATURE II
FALL 2010: SERVICE LEARNING, ANTHROPOLOGY

my brakes line went. car in shop. I need a chaffeur in my life once again. OHHH NO!

bye.

ps. AK.DI! I know she did.

"sounds like such a capital idea"

2009-11-30T00:46:13Z

the happiness is currently depleting from myself.

I was so happy when I was away, though I don't have much to worry about right now.

[phil. m/term tomorrow morning]
[important paperwork to get signed tomorrow **
then I'll officially free from the wrath of evilness herself]

I did have a nightmare between 7 - 11 am of dr. eVil. I told her that I abs. hated her and never looked forward to any of her classes. ++I'm not the only one. she attacked me. it was scary. I'm not looking forward to seeing her dec. 1, the day of high importance of three talented graphic designers graduating this dec :) av, cas, ajb. I'm excited to see the portfolio show, but will have gasping anxiety around HER!!! if she wants to talk to me I REFUSE! I will tell her that too. "no, studies have shown you depleted my soul, kthx"

YES. I'm feeling it now. Anxiety.
why?

current worries:
philosophy midterm, studying.
theo ethics. I have no idea what's up with that class! I emailed him twice and heard back from him once. I can't take the m-term in his class because I'm not ready. I'm really hoping I can get in touch with him so I can get an I as a grade.
officially drop design with type (take as I.S. next semester with someone more professional and not evil- yes, she may be tough, but at least I won't have to dread going to class and worry I may get slashed in the throat)

if SHE talks to me I will tell her, "I'm so happy that I no longer have to feel as though you want to slash my throat when I come to class or better yet see your fuckin ugly soul, yes." ok that's enough.

this semester 2009:

19th century- W
design with type- W (jan 2010)
theo ethics-? (I)
phil-
adv. studio web design 3- :)
adv. studio digital imaging 2- :)

when's the last day?

I have no idea.

but I'm back from medical leave dec 1. awesome. like I fully have to see my profs.

just breathe.

where are you?

it's eating at my not so yet crippled soul.

2009-11-24T20:42:24Z

I'm just saying this because I have to put it somewhere.

the i in livejournal is the same i as in TGiFRiDAYS

constant m-effin anxiety. I'm even on the meds. wtf??

it's my life.

I went to group last night and one person that I'll never forget (if I stop going)- cannot wait for thanksgiving/Christmas to be over and done with. It's so true. Thanksgiving I didn't mind, but right now I'm not feeling it. I don't feel the same. I'm being to feel depressed again. or maybe I was and didn't notice it. that happens too.

im getting sick to my stomach anxiety.

and that makes me sad.

and hold back the nonsense.

then boom.

it doesn't matter. w/e

also, wHATEver.

mistofmemories @ 2009-11-16T14:39:00

2009-11-16T19:38:47Z

punched two doors more than once.
left hand fine. right hand ow.
black n blue?
neither.
swollen?
that may be another story.

why? what happened?

mistake.
that is what happened.

what kind of mistake?

a fight.

what type?
verbal?
physical?
emotional?

it could be all.

&&I'm sorry.

nervous.anxious.

going back to one of my classes today.DI2
tomorrow is WD3

*sighs*

2pm
3pm
4pm

there's no solution

2009-10-20T06:04:30Z

so, I haven't written here in what seems months? I don't care who sees this. even you, 'friend.' maybe you wish for my life to fall apart like yours? or maybe I'm just in a false illusion. yeah just maybe. Anger. Yes...I've had so much inside of me that I have no idea how to get it out. Try to think of something else. pft? yeah...that sooo works >;o anyways. cry it out? temp. relieves the situation.

I'm afraid. deathly afraid that I cannot control my emotions. I'm terrified.

visions. I'm starting to see + it's starting to frighten me. about 60%

worst months of my life:

oct (3) 5-6 - constant pain in lower back and stomach.
oct 5: clinic = waste of time. stupid indian dude. yeah you have abdominal pain and pulled something at work.
oct 6: went to school. health services. er. bw. ultrasound. gallstones.
oct 6- gallstone attack.

missed clases all week + work too.
ALSO! was supposed to go away to upstate NY with sal that weekend. FML. sucks.

3rd week of sept: suffered panic/anxiety attacks. wanted to give up on edu. 100% pressure from 'rents. felt like a highly disappointment to them. 100% cried more than 3x a day.

4th week: blew head gasket on my car-yom kippur...apparently ruined their holiday. car broke down on hasidic jew street. though I blended in well due to my car being a famous jew car :p

1st week of oct: gallstone attack, missing work/classes.

2nd week of oct: nothing really bad

3rd wee of oct: cynical. not nihilistic. depressed, very. I cannot stand having people worry about me. I'll be fine even though my mind and soul don't feel like it. Metal music is curing the mind for the times being-when I do listen to it.

feelings:

deep dark hole digging into my heart. middle of my chest. it's a very deep suffocating feeling-nonliterally. crying. anger. somewhat still a disappointment...for feeling this way. I cannot FUCKING STAND IT! WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN NOW? anxiety. medication? yes fucking right. doesn't solve all the problems in your life. I don't hate myself or my life. I hate that I have to feel like this! wtf. WHAT THE FUCK?

now:

type design: hate her with the passion. up to date with current assignments, just not past.
19th: dropped (w)
web 3: working on website-actionscript 3.0/flash
di2: SLACKERIFIC. so kill me. I sure what someone to shoot me tonight. maybe just stab me in the shoulder.
philosophy: very good. I don't get some things, but participation about 40-60% talking. avg quiz: 80% midterm/final. midterm=oct 29
ethics: behind. mmyeah. too much freakin reading.

work=fuc king hell. $isallIwant$doesn't everyone else?

back hurts.

it doesn't matter writing when it's 2.03.34 AM

kthxbye.

he obviously didn't get the fuckin memo.

today, yesterday, monday sucks...wait, it's tuesday. yeahhh

2009-09-30T04:49:24Z

art with art and design concentration:

spring 2010:

art history II (3)
20th century (3)
service learning (0)
american lit (3)
world perspective (3)

summer 2010:

internship (3)

and I'll be done...

if I stay with graphics:

advanced illustration techniques with the demon
20th century

service learning
american lit
advanced studio: digital imaging 3 or computer graphics 3
internship
world perspective

---
if I didn't fail philosophy and/or got american lit to transfer. I'd only have 4 classes left.

what's my best bet?

I need to graduate! if I can major in art w/ art+design concentration I'll be happy.
graphics can suck it. all because of the demon. she dee e ess e are vee e ess 2di.

YUP!!!!!

.not done with type projects (said I'd scan them and email them tonight)
.never started take home exam for 19th century + never handed in annotated bibliography for museum research paper.

philosophy= quizzes: 40, 60, 60, 80, 80...
theo ethics= I wonder how I did on my essay...I think I missed the point 9/23...owhhhh. interesting but too much damn reading! but I read that more than for 19th century.
digital imaging 2: learning panorama/hdr.
web 3: learning nothing and trying to keep up with website.

can't find important usb ***

going for a ba..I will not need to do a portfolio show. good.

left hand: cannot bite except for thumb a little bit more. pinky, ring and middle finger are officially done for.

right hand: cannot bite except for pinky, ring, middle (not much), pointer...

it's a close call with all of them.

which hurt? left= pinky, ring.
right= pinky, ring, thumb.

I went to town.

best current website= tfln . com ( texts from last night . com)

my gma car died on yom kippur. NOOOOO!!!!!!! apparently I ruined the jewish community's holiday cuz I was stuck in their territory.

first, get the illegals=mexicans OUT OF HERE! they take advantage of our healthcare, etc. and they steal. fuck em.++hasidic/orthodox jews. fuckin idiots. quoted by my dad, "they all walk like faggots" HAHAHA! oh god...the carpooling is back in business. looking back at 6.35 AM weekdays for 4 years=bus.

AND!
I love him.
he's so special to me.
I'd never ever let him go.
My heart would shatter and wither away.
I'll be forever his <3 <3

<SWP3 I want to be with him forever<3 always.yes. always. I'm so happy and fortunate/lucky to have found him. steve was lust, not love. dan was an idiot. sal is MY LOVE of my LIFE !!!

and so it begins.

2009-09-08T05:46:03Z

Whenever I wish to write here, my mind wanders onto something else. I miss writing in my El Jay. I suppose I'll write out my 18 credit courses here.

Mon: Philosophy (retake considering I was a failure=F on transcript) amazing...
Adv. Studio: Digital Imaging 2: taking use of my 599 Canon Xs Rebel <3 I wish to learn hdr and panoramic <3 panramic is so fuckin sweet man.

Tues: Design with Type (love it even though the prof is the devil I'm learning to deal with her)- but dealing with this devil doesn't mean I'd enjoy dealing with it in Hell..so please send me to Heaven <3. kthx.

19th Century Art: fuckin boring as paint drying on a wall.

Advanced Studio Web Design 3: learning actionscript 3.0 Flash CS4...I cannot wait to get my ass onto that website and crank out my creativeness at its best. kthx.

Wed: Theological Ethics. way too much effin reading, even more so than phil. like fo realz.

(side note: apparently iTunes SUCKS! with their prices. It used 2b 99cents w/o tax. then they added it with tax. NOW! it's effin 1.29 + tax. It's so much easier to just buy the cd.

I bought a cd last week for the first time in at least 2 years. seriously. Also, I cannot find anywhere to free d/l it; purevolume/myspace. trying to d/l I gotta feeling on some shitty website that killed my safari browser, etc. therefore I have firefox...my love saved me <3 <3

cd bought. location: barnes noble bookstore, price: 14.99, Artist: The Used / Lies are for Liars.

I LOVE IT! I cannnnnnnnot wait until Paramore's new cd comes out <3 <3 Sept. 29

Plus, sarah keeps speaking of brand new's new cd. I'd like to have a teaspoon of that, hear if it's like their first indie album vs. when their sophomore cd became popular. the quiet things that no one ever knows.

livejournal > twitter
facebook > myspace
google > bing - yeah wtf is bing? google was first, so step aside bing. you'll soon become owned.
ashley tisdale > miley cyrus (whore)
original black eyed peas > bep + fergie.

_

{
[

lil b = soon 2b 6 years of age. he is in k-grade. and he is the minority. he is bullied and kids punch him. :'(((((((( abs has gotten better. SAD SITUATION. I wish b didn't have to suffer and same goes for abs.

sometimes it makes me sad to even think that they should be adopted from a nice family. because my sister and jerkorge are NOT capable of taking care of their own children.

things I wish for my sister:

she wasn't so concerned on her appearance. needed a guy in her life to feel complete and happy about herself. acting like A whore. (yes, I said it cuz it's true) it makes me sad to think of how trashy she used to be.

I've never EVER wanted to become her, or make any mistakes because I fear of making any of the same mistakes that she has.

the 'rents don't even know how much I suffer from some of the words they express to me regarding my sister. apparently, i don't do my work. never see me do it. so apparently I don't do it.

I was so torn about last week by some of the words they said to me. instead of yelling back, I stored it inside the deepest pores of my soul. I tried to cry as I drove to school, but failed at that. I got to school and couldn't bring myself to get out of the car and go to class. 2nd week of school and I missed a class. I apologized to the "devil" telling her I was in emotional distress. an emotional crisis. because it was. that day was full of .... I don't even know the words of that day.

I was at quickchek tonight getting a wrap. From when I went in and came back out there was a girl sitting in her car, texting. Maybe she was meeting somewhere there? reminded me of how I used to meet up with ppl and leave my car at the convenience store. mistakes. it got the best of me.

sometimes the thoughts still tear me apart. I mean, how can you not think about it? I remember wishing and hoping one person didn't deserve to have one more breath on this planet. I don't really care anymore. I wished that he would disappear from my thoughts. I wanted to destroy it all. I couldn't believe who I was and didn't like the person who I became. I wanted to take each inch of anger, despair and emotion and burn it. I hated myself. I loathed myself.

I could go on and on and say what I am thinking of. shall I go on?

WW - Aug. 5, 2009

2009-08-11T18:34:32Z

I signed up for the monthly price 39.95 for weight watchers.

I've been trying so so hard! Cutting back on snacking, and choosing a side salad/fruit cup instead of fries when eating out.

So, I'll do a 1-5 stars system on the foods that ww recommends :)

1 pt: ww boston cream pie yogurt: I give it 2 pts because it tastes nothing like bcp! it's great to have because it's only 1 pt for a quick snack.

1 pt: ww strawberry cheesecake yogurt: AAAA-mazing :) totally give it 5 stars!

6 pts: ww's smartones fruit inspirations: orange seasame chicken tenderlions. 4 stars because the cover shows 5 pieces of chicken, whereas it only had 4!! false advertising. it's not really filling too. you need at least a side salad with that or maybe 1 piece of whole wheat bread.

3 pts: ww's smartones cookie dough sundae: totally yummmmy!!! 5 stars

2 ? pts: 1 slice pepperidge farm's fruit and grain (dried orange and cranberry) bread. mmmm filling. 5 stars.

? pts: atkins choc chip granola bars: 5 stars. yummy. a great side snack, and great protein!

? pts: 1 cup of raisin bran and 1 cup of stoney field's 1% organic milk. 3 pts. not so filling, but it's still good.

also I want to try this I found in the recipe book: 1 egg, 1 egg white, 1 cup of mushrooms, onions, mon. jack cheese with a side fruit side of 1 1/2 cup of strawberries!! it's only 5 pts. something like that.

Weight: 233.8 lbs
Goal Weight: 200 > 190 lbs
Shirt Size: XXL
Goal Shirt Size: L/XL
Pant Size: 18-20
Goal Size: 14/16 or lower.

In high school:

weight: 165 - 180 (2001 - june 2005)
weight: 180 - 200 (july 2005 - june 2006)
and escalated up to 210, then 220...started binging and somewhat of a purging lifestyle. brought me up to 233.

I don't look like 233 lbs? as ppl tell me.

Yesterday's walk: 12:50 - 1:45
Today: Needs to be done after entry: 2:40 - 3:30 (goal)

Already made dinner: 1 cup whole wheat pasta. 1 cup diced tomatoes, basil, garlic, olive oil, oregano. Bell peppers on the side. Along with a fruit salad of sliced cantalope and 1 peach sliced.

Au Revior.

today, yesterday, next day

2009-07-12T19:13:37Z

Updates are a must.

Tomorrow until Friday the 17, Sal and I will be venturing around ocean city, maryland for our first vacation together :) I cannot wait! Plus, it's supposed to be beautiful weather, yay :)

Last Thursday the 9, was our 8 month anniversary :) + counting.

On another note.

Liss took a and b camping. HA! brendon hates it. abby loves it. the analogy of their sibling relationship is like putting two negative batteries together. not possible. true story.

abby's 4th birthday is sunday the 9. birrrrthday cake!

real world: twitter is a waste of time. livejournal is 100% better as well as Firefox compared to Safari <3

work: 4 - 11.30 PM ..bikes will be a pain.. a huge pain..

I need to pack.. oh do I really need to <3

I bit my nails today :\ do I know why? no.

on the left- pinky: destroyed. on the right- pointer: destroyed.

suntans here I come!

two books to read

2009-06-23T22:26:14Z

comprehending columbine
lost daughters..

jury duty 2009

2009-06-23T22:25:22Z

I've been pondering for awhile that my readers, if any, are thristening (if that's even a word) for recent happenings en mi vida.

Today was my first day of Jury Duty. I had an open mind even when others said, "oh lucky you!" - sarcastically. Last night, June 21, 2009, I looked on a website called media fix - something like that. Then I regretted that I had to deal with it. lol. the first time the county gov sent me to serve, I got an excuse because of school (in march of this year). I agreed that I would be able to serve at the end of the school semester, but then again I could have gotten out of it again because of work. Oh well...I thought I'd just go to get it over with. I won't have to serve for another 3 years+

Honestly, I don't remember the last time I had to wake up @ 6.30 AM. The only thing that really gets me outta bed is to take a nice shower, which I did. Ha! like you needed to know that right? I hopped right out of the house at 7.36 AM, took the parkway and arrived 8.02 AM in the parking garage (free).

first case: criminal, didn't get picked.
2nd case: civil, didn't get picked.

I was one of 25 who didn't get picked. good deal.

first case: took 20 mins
2nd case: took from 10.30 - [12.30(break)-1.30] 'til 2.15 PM

left at 2.30 AM -- and my group is concluded for the week. I'll get 5 bucks. whoo hoo?? lololol! I could call in for work tomorrow, but maybe I can leave for PA or thursday ? to see my sweetie <3

who did we have today?

- albert einstein who didn't know how to keep his eyes to his self.
- miss ruth (Idk her name) she was the oldest living being there, probably 80. it's optional to serve after 75 years of age.
- two hasidic women. they get to serve? hmm they're citizens, though you could tell they were more americanized - they had style and actually conversed with us americans. ohhhh,

side note: I'd admit I'm prejudice against Hasidic/Orthodo Jews, but do NOT believe in Anti- Semitism. I am highly against Mexicans. they lie and steal. stop riding bikes and go back to mexico. I'm fine with hispanics, and that genre, but nooo mexicans, me no gusta!!

also, I'm not racist against black people, but it's awful how the media has portrayed the race. whenever I see a black family, I always say to myself oh I wonder what they're going to steal next. I know it's awful of me. One family I kept checking on in the aisles at work because I was like they're spending way too much time here. then I was thinking nahhh...they look 2 good to steal. apparently the minute I turned, they stole a kodak camera right out of the box, going around the spider wrap and all.

well I shall conclude of this message bcause I should take a nappppp. but salllll is calling me soon. yayayay. I'll stay up for him <3 <3

BTW, got a new phone and plan: verizon, lg env3 <3

everything is just everything.

2009-06-22T06:14:44Z

While consuming a pb & j sandwich I made while on my break, I bite my lip while chewing. Ever since then had to be three more times. So now I'm chopping on it. I'm trying not to, really I am! I haven't bitten my nails in like a week. It's ALL thanks to Sal, my babe :) He got me the most gorgeous promise ring ever <3 Forever and always.

I never believed in that = forever and always, but with him I found the meaning and it's true.

I have jury duty this week, not sure which day though. I don't have it tomorrow, so I volunteered to work 11-4. not too bad.

time for sleep?

we'll seee. or I'll see since you can't see me, you voyeur you! lol. :p

see lee you bee bee eye en gee c.l.u.b.b.i.n.g.

2009-06-16T06:09:19Z

Would you like to know what I pondered across while coming home from work tonight? What from my past I do miss? Clubbing/Drinking. I do. I feel most comfortable to be with my love to go <3

I miss stumbling upon the dance floor. I miss starting with a long island iced tea to get on the dance floor. Next with a shot of bacardi silver. Loud music. ~~overplayed pop~~. <3trance<3 only the part upstairs is trance. where no one else is. the best is when you are the first one to start dancing. hahaha. ohhh nooo.

finally, I'm growing out my nails :) I don't wanna bite them because I want to show off my beautiful ring sal got me. :)

I'm watching the others right now. I remember the first time I watched it (pirated version) with anna...there was a spider behind me. it freaked me out and I couldn't watch the rest of the film. lol. "too scary"

just took a bath with epsom salt. and now I itch??

work tomorrow: 6 - 11
wed: none
thurs: 2-11 (seeee mmyyyy baby after work!!!)
friday: hoping it will be beautiful out, so we can do something nice outside <3333

bravo.

2009-05-28T01:58:57Z

the housewives of new jersey is so fucked up! it's so sad how the women of jersey are betrayed. jersey already is thought of stuck up, rich, guido ppl. etc.

EH!

-_o

2009-05-27T13:13:22Z

My mindset is back to the past of purevolume. I started my membership in September 2004, also the same time when I joined myspace. (which of course is deleted. rip radcore1)

three hours of sleep due to discovering new music. I much rather prefer music over sleep. SHOCKING! therefore I have this major headache. owhhh. my advil is in my car, along with pb choc chunk cookies. oh no! don't do it. just for the pk's please. maybe.

I was on my 2nd from last account of myspace and looked at "my favorites" - videos...and saw Hatebreed's vid "destroy everything" I went onto their new page and listened to their live songs. I Will Be Heard <3 <3

I recommend the band, Fit For An Autopsy, if you're interested in as I lay dying, almost is nothing.

hXc/progressive music || search || may 09

2009-05-27T07:23:22Z

my sky your city (keepin` it sunny side up)

surrender the dance floor (just dance)

=this lady gaga theme is unintentional, fo real=

one look @ you and I know what you're thinking

2009-05-27T07:03:44Z

no more cravings. no regrets there. I'm thankful for that <3

binge&..purge. new addiction.

overwhelmed. happy.

I'm so happy that I'm for now stable with the medication. I really have not had a problem.

Work is work. Being beat up by the bikes. I have sexxyy cuts and bruises on my hand from the weight while taking them down to customers, who don't end up on buying them. Having to put them back up so stupid ass hasidic kids or swine mexicans don't ride around the dept. with them.

#1 annoyances: what's the cheapest, good bike you have?
#2 annoyances: if you don't fuckin understand english go back to your damn country = mexico. stop bein like rabbits, just as bad as the jews. it's so sad. just what we need more people who don't understand common sense.
#3 the list goes on.

I was scheduled for 33 hrs this week, the most I've ever had! no problem there.

XM radio <3

I've never been so in love before! just thought I'd mention that :)

and it all comes crashing down . . . now

2009-05-12T16:36:34Z

one has no idea how absolutely guilty I feel... It's just beyond my control. Lately, all my emotions have been. It still hurts within myself. *starts to tear up* I don't want to tell anyone about my problems because I feel like that's all I ever do. I didn't fail any of my classes this semester, but just fucked up big time with 2 C-'s .... especially in Drawing II ... when I was never prepared in any of my classes. I had everything done except for a sketch book, and didn't hand in my crappy piece of art museum aper because I didn't think it was good enough. Though I should have realized that something is better than nothing which is true. Why is it true and why do I know now when I didn't know?? Women and Gender class....I handed in half my journal reactions and got 1/2 credit, though my midterm grade of a 45. WTF?!?!?!?!?!"?!? that has to be the lowest all time grade for a midterm or final I ever got in my entire life, and that goes for High School too. I never Failed a midterm or Final before. I have failed tests before, especially in geometry, algebra II, trig, all of the above of science...the list goes on.

failure. my biggest fear in the whole world. especially to let my parents down, whicih I have succeeded. they heard the truth and have seen it.

I haven't taken my meds today yet, that's anything that bothers me. that's for my brain and mental state. why must I need that to have a normal life? I try everything for my overactive brain in not being able to have concentration. I give up on meds in that dept. because it's either bad static with another med, or too high dosage of one that makes EVERYTHING worst in my life!! IML. yes i.m.l. not (fml), but yessss FML

the best thing in my life that I have is Sal. It's so true and I'm not just saying that. my friends are there, but Sal knows me.

if it weren't for him. I would be ... well I'd rather not get into that .I would have hurt myself probably

tonight is the end.

one more proj. to be done for ppa...and website done for wd2 . . .

and get paperwork done.

drink. party. yes.

pick 1+ out of the four confessions of last night:

binge. purge. drink. smoke.

3 of 4 were accomplished.

though you don't know which one it was.

that's all I'll say.

I don't recommend absolut vanilla and red bull. not a good mix. just not an -od awful taste. I was coughing.

struggling emotions to face reality

2009-04-30T05:01:01Z

Depression.

The two most significant symptoms of depression are:3

Sadness or hopelessness.
Loss of interest in or pleasure from most daily activities. my future career
Other symptoms include:3

Losing or gaining weight because of changes in appetite.
Sleeping too much or not enough.
Feeling restless and unable to sit still, or feeling that moving takes a great effort.
Feeling tired all the time.
Feeling unworthy or guilty without an obvious reason.
Having problems concentrating, remembering, or making decisions.
Thinking often about death or suicide.

I'm not thinking of death or suicide, I just wanted to make that clear.

~~My goals are destructive. Next year, 23. No benefits. Will need to supply for my meds. Will I make it? I'd be in debt.~~ side note.

The hole within my chest is full of anguish and anger.

Work is just tearing my insides apart. My as.ma. left. THANK GOD! I made it. She didn't fire me though I was SOOO close! the new assistant mana. seems nice. Hopefully I'll be able to get the days I want off in May. Or even in the Summer.

I kinda wanna do overnight shift soon. But that is still a lot of work. ++rough shift. 10.30 PM - 7 AM

___

PUSH YOURSELF TO BE THE BEST. DO NOT LET YOURSELF DOWN!