so, I haven't written here in what seems months? I don't care who sees this. even you, 'friend.' maybe you wish for my life to fall apart like yours? or maybe I'm just in a false illusion. yeah just maybe. Anger. Yes...I've had so much inside of me that I have no idea how to get it out. Try to think of something else. pft? yeah...that sooo works >;o anyways. cry it out? temp. relieves the situation.
I'm afraid. deathly afraid that I cannot control my emotions. I'm terrified.
visions. I'm starting to see + it's starting to frighten me. about 60%
worst months of my life:
oct (3) 5-6 - constant pain in lower back and stomach.
oct 5: clinic = waste of time. stupid indian dude. yeah you have abdominal pain and pulled something at work.
oct 6: went to school. health services. er. bw. ultrasound. gallstones.
oct 6- gallstone attack.
missed clases all week + work too.
ALSO! was supposed to go away to upstate NY with sal that weekend. FML. sucks.
3rd week of sept: suffered panic/anxiety attacks. wanted to give up on edu. 100% pressure from 'rents. felt like a highly disappointment to them. 100% cried more than 3x a day.
4th week: blew head gasket on my car-yom kippur...apparently ruined their holiday. car broke down on hasidic jew street. though I blended in well due to my car being a famous jew car :p
1st week of oct: gallstone attack, missing work/classes.
2nd week of oct: nothing really bad
3rd wee of oct: cynical. not nihilistic. depressed, very. I cannot stand having people worry about me. I'll be fine even though my mind and soul don't feel like it. Metal music is curing the mind for the times being-when I do listen to it.
feelings:
deep dark hole digging into my heart. middle of my chest. it's a very deep suffocating feeling-nonliterally. crying. anger. somewhat still a disappointment...for feeling this way. I cannot FUCKING STAND IT! WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN NOW? anxiety. medication? yes fucking right. doesn't solve all the problems in your life. I don't hate myself or my life. I hate that I have to feel like this! wtf. WHAT THE FUCK?
now:
type design: hate her with the passion. up to date with current assignments, just not past.
19th: dropped (w)
web 3: working on website-actionscript 3.0/flash
di2: SLACKERIFIC. so kill me. I sure what someone to shoot me tonight. maybe just stab me in the shoulder.
philosophy: very good. I don't get some things, but participation about 40-60% talking. avg quiz: 80% midterm/final. midterm=oct 29
ethics: behind. mmyeah. too much freakin reading.
work=fuc king hell. $isallIwant$doesn't everyone else?
back hurts.
it doesn't matter writing when it's 2.03.34 AM
kthxbye.
he obviously didn't get the fuckin memo.
- there's no solution
-
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
mistofmemories- October 20th, 1:47
cynical
- today, yesterday, monday sucks...wait, it's tuesday. yeahhh
-
- mistofmemories
- September 30th, 0:32
sleepy
art with art and design concentration:
spring 2010:
art history II (3)
20th century (3)
service learning (0)
american lit (3)
world perspective (3)
summer 2010:
internship (3)
and I'll be done...
if I stay with graphics:
advanced illustration techniques with the demon
20th century
service learning
american lit
advanced studio: digital imaging 3 or computer graphics 3
internship
world perspective
---
if I didn't fail philosophy and/or got american lit to transfer. I'd only have 4 classes left.
what's my best bet?
I need to graduate! if I can major in art w/ art+design concentration I'll be happy.
graphics can suck it. all because of the demon. she dee e ess e are vee e ess 2di.
YUP!!!!!
.not done with type projects (said I'd scan them and email them tonight)
.never started take home exam for 19th century + never handed in annotated bibliography for museum research paper.
philosophy= quizzes: 40, 60, 60, 80, 80...
theo ethics= I wonder how I did on my essay...I think I missed the point 9/23...owhhhh. interesting but too much damn reading! but I read that more than for 19th century.
digital imaging 2: learning panorama/hdr.
web 3: learning nothing and trying to keep up with website.
can't find important usb ***
going for a ba..I will not need to do a portfolio show. good.
left hand: cannot bite except for thumb a little bit more. pinky, ring and middle finger are officially done for.
right hand: cannot bite except for pinky, ring, middle (not much), pointer...
it's a close call with all of them.
which hurt? left= pinky, ring.
right= pinky, ring, thumb.
I went to town.
best current website= tfln . com ( texts from last night . com)
my gma car died on yom kippur. NOOOOO!!!!!!! apparently I ruined the jewish community's holiday cuz I was stuck in their territory.
first, get the illegals=mexicans OUT OF HERE! they take advantage of our healthcare, etc. and they steal. fuck em.++hasidic/orthodox jews. fuckin idiots. quoted by my dad, "they all walk like faggots" HAHAHA! oh god...the carpooling is back in business. looking back at 6.35 AM weekdays for 4 years=bus.
AND!
I love him.
he's so special to me.
I'd never ever let him go.
My heart would shatter and wither away.
I'll be forever his <3 <3
<SWP3 I want to be with him forever<3 always.yes. always. I'm so happy and fortunate/lucky to have found him. steve was lust, not love. dan was an idiot. sal is MY LOVE of my LIFE !!!
- and so it begins.
-
- mistofmemories
- September 8th, 1:20
awake
Whenever I wish to write here, my mind wanders onto something else. I miss writing in my El Jay. I suppose I'll write out my 18 credit courses here.
Mon: Philosophy (retake considering I was a failure=F on transcript) amazing...
Adv. Studio: Digital Imaging 2: taking use of my 599 Canon Xs Rebel <3 I wish to learn hdr and panoramic <3 panramic is so fuckin sweet man.
Tues: Design with Type (love it even though the prof is the devil I'm learning to deal with her)- but dealing with this devil doesn't mean I'd enjoy dealing with it in Hell..so please send me to Heaven <3. kthx.
19th Century Art: fuckin boring as paint drying on a wall.
Advanced Studio Web Design 3: learning actionscript 3.0 Flash CS4...I cannot wait to get my ass onto that website and crank out my creativeness at its best. kthx.
Wed: Theological Ethics. way too much effin reading, even more so than phil. like fo realz.
(side note: apparently iTunes SUCKS! with their prices. It used 2b 99cents w/o tax. then they added it with tax. NOW! it's effin 1.29 + tax. It's so much easier to just buy the cd.
I bought a cd last week for the first time in at least 2 years. seriously. Also, I cannot find anywhere to free d/l it; purevolume/myspace. trying to d/l I gotta feeling on some shitty website that killed my safari browser, etc. therefore I have firefox...my love saved me <3 <3
cd bought. location: barnes noble bookstore, price: 14.99, Artist: The Used / Lies are for Liars.
I LOVE IT! I cannnnnnnnot wait until Paramore's new cd comes out <3 <3 Sept. 29
Plus, sarah keeps speaking of brand new's new cd. I'd like to have a teaspoon of that, hear if it's like their first indie album vs. when their sophomore cd became popular. the quiet things that no one ever knows.
livejournal > twitter
facebook > myspace
google > bing - yeah wtf is bing? google was first, so step aside bing. you'll soon become owned.
ashley tisdale > miley cyrus (whore)
original black eyed peas > bep + fergie.
_
{
[
lil b = soon 2b 6 years of age. he is in k-grade. and he is the minority. he is bullied and kids punch him. :'(((((((( abs has gotten better. SAD SITUATION. I wish b didn't have to suffer and same goes for abs.
sometimes it makes me sad to even think that they should be adopted from a nice family. because my sister and jerkorge are NOT capable of taking care of their own children.
things I wish for my sister:
she wasn't so concerned on her appearance. needed a guy in her life to feel complete and happy about herself. acting like A whore. (yes, I said it cuz it's true) it makes me sad to think of how trashy she used to be.
I've never EVER wanted to become her, or make any mistakes because I fear of making any of the same mistakes that she has.
the 'rents don't even know how much I suffer from some of the words they express to me regarding my sister. apparently, i don't do my work. never see me do it. so apparently I don't do it.
I was so torn about last week by some of the words they said to me. instead of yelling back, I stored it inside the deepest pores of my soul. I tried to cry as I drove to school, but failed at that. I got to school and couldn't bring myself to get out of the car and go to class. 2nd week of school and I missed a class. I apologized to the "devil" telling her I was in emotional distress. an emotional crisis. because it was. that day was full of .... I don't even know the words of that day.
I was at quickchek tonight getting a wrap. From when I went in and came back out there was a girl sitting in her car, texting. Maybe she was meeting somewhere there? reminded me of how I used to meet up with ppl and leave my car at the convenience store. mistakes. it got the best of me.
sometimes the thoughts still tear me apart. I mean, how can you not think about it? I remember wishing and hoping one person didn't deserve to have one more breath on this planet. I don't really care anymore. I wished that he would disappear from my thoughts. I wanted to destroy it all. I couldn't believe who I was and didn't like the person who I became. I wanted to take each inch of anger, despair and emotion and burn it. I hated myself. I loathed myself.
I could go on and on and say what I am thinking of. shall I go on?
- WW - Aug. 5, 2009
-
- mistofmemories
- August 11th, 14:18
I signed up for the monthly price 39.95 for weight watchers.
I've been trying so so hard! Cutting back on snacking, and choosing a side salad/fruit cup instead of fries when eating out.
So, I'll do a 1-5 stars system on the foods that ww recommends :)
1 pt: ww boston cream pie yogurt: I give it 2 pts because it tastes nothing like bcp! it's great to have because it's only 1 pt for a quick snack.
1 pt: ww strawberry cheesecake yogurt: AAAA-mazing :) totally give it 5 stars!
6 pts: ww's smartones fruit inspirations: orange seasame chicken tenderlions. 4 stars because the cover shows 5 pieces of chicken, whereas it only had 4!! false advertising. it's not really filling too. you need at least a side salad with that or maybe 1 piece of whole wheat bread.
3 pts: ww's smartones cookie dough sundae: totally yummmmy!!! 5 stars
2 ? pts: 1 slice pepperidge farm's fruit and grain (dried orange and cranberry) bread. mmmm filling. 5 stars.
? pts: atkins choc chip granola bars: 5 stars. yummy. a great side snack, and great protein!
? pts: 1 cup of raisin bran and 1 cup of stoney field's 1% organic milk. 3 pts. not so filling, but it's still good.
also I want to try this I found in the recipe book: 1 egg, 1 egg white, 1 cup of mushrooms, onions, mon. jack cheese with a side fruit side of 1 1/2 cup of strawberries!! it's only 5 pts. something like that.
Weight: 233.8 lbs
Goal Weight: 200 > 190 lbs
Shirt Size: XXL
Goal Shirt Size: L/XL
Pant Size: 18-20
Goal Size: 14/16 or lower.
In high school:
weight: 165 - 180 (2001 - june 2005)
weight: 180 - 200 (july 2005 - june 2006)
and escalated up to 210, then 220...started binging and somewhat of a purging lifestyle. brought me up to 233.
I don't look like 233 lbs? as ppl tell me.
Yesterday's walk: 12:50 - 1:45
Today: Needs to be done after entry: 2:40 - 3:30 (goal)
Already made dinner: 1 cup whole wheat pasta. 1 cup diced tomatoes, basil, garlic, olive oil, oregano. Bell peppers on the side. Along with a fruit salad of sliced cantalope and 1 peach sliced.
Au Revior.
- today, yesterday, next day
-
- mistofmemories
- July 12th, 15:07
Updates are a must.
Tomorrow until Friday the 17, Sal and I will be venturing around ocean city, maryland for our first vacation together :) I cannot wait! Plus, it's supposed to be beautiful weather, yay :)
Last Thursday the 9, was our 8 month anniversary :) + counting.
On another note.
Liss took a and b camping. HA! brendon hates it. abby loves it. the analogy of their sibling relationship is like putting two negative batteries together. not possible. true story.
abby's 4th birthday is sunday the 9. birrrrthday cake!
real world: twitter is a waste of time. livejournal is 100% better as well as Firefox compared to Safari <3
work: 4 - 11.30 PM ..bikes will be a pain.. a huge pain..
I need to pack.. oh do I really need to <3
I bit my nails today :\ do I know why? no.
on the left- pinky: destroyed. on the right- pointer: destroyed.
suntans here I come!
- two books to read
-
- mistofmemories
- June 23rd, 18:25
comprehending columbine
lost daughters..
- jury duty 2009
-
- mistofmemories
- June 23rd, 18:03
relieved
I've been pondering for awhile that my readers, if any, are thristening (if that's even a word) for recent happenings en mi vida.
Today was my first day of Jury Duty. I had an open mind even when others said, "oh lucky you!" - sarcastically. Last night, June 21, 2009, I looked on a website called media fix - something like that. Then I regretted that I had to deal with it. lol. the first time the county gov sent me to serve, I got an excuse because of school (in march of this year). I agreed that I would be able to serve at the end of the school semester, but then again I could have gotten out of it again because of work. Oh well...I thought I'd just go to get it over with. I won't have to serve for another 3 years+
Honestly, I don't remember the last time I had to wake up @ 6.30 AM. The only thing that really gets me outta bed is to take a nice shower, which I did. Ha! like you needed to know that right? I hopped right out of the house at 7.36 AM, took the parkway and arrived 8.02 AM in the parking garage (free).
first case: criminal, didn't get picked.
2nd case: civil, didn't get picked.
I was one of 25 who didn't get picked. good deal.
first case: took 20 mins
2nd case: took from 10.30 - [12.30(break)-1.30] 'til 2.15 PM
left at 2.30 AM -- and my group is concluded for the week. I'll get 5 bucks. whoo hoo?? lololol! I could call in for work tomorrow, but maybe I can leave for PA or thursday ? to see my sweetie <3
who did we have today?
- albert einstein who didn't know how to keep his eyes to his self.
- miss ruth (Idk her name) she was the oldest living being there, probably 80. it's optional to serve after 75 years of age.
- two hasidic women. they get to serve? hmm they're citizens, though you could tell they were more americanized - they had style and actually conversed with us americans. ohhhh,
side note: I'd admit I'm prejudice against Hasidic/Orthodo Jews, but do NOT believe in Anti- Semitism. I am highly against Mexicans. they lie and steal. stop riding bikes and go back to mexico. I'm fine with hispanics, and that genre, but nooo mexicans, me no gusta!!
also, I'm not racist against black people, but it's awful how the media has portrayed the race. whenever I see a black family, I always say to myself oh I wonder what they're going to steal next. I know it's awful of me. One family I kept checking on in the aisles at work because I was like they're spending way too much time here. then I was thinking nahhh...they look 2 good to steal. apparently the minute I turned, they stole a kodak camera right out of the box, going around the spider wrap and all.
well I shall conclude of this message bcause I should take a nappppp. but salllll is calling me soon. yayayay. I'll stay up for him <3 <3
BTW, got a new phone and plan: verizon, lg env3 <3
- everything is just everything.
-
- mistofmemories
- June 22nd, 2:11
While consuming a pb & j sandwich I made while on my break, I bite my lip while chewing. Ever since then had to be three more times. So now I'm chopping on it. I'm trying not to, really I am! I haven't bitten my nails in like a week. It's ALL thanks to Sal, my babe :) He got me the most gorgeous promise ring ever <3 Forever and always.
I never believed in that = forever and always, but with him I found the meaning and it's true.
I have jury duty this week, not sure which day though. I don't have it tomorrow, so I volunteered to work 11-4. not too bad.
time for sleep?
we'll seee. or I'll see since you can't see me, you voyeur you! lol. :p
- see lee you bee bee eye en gee c.l.u.b.b.i.n.g.
-
- mistofmemories
- June 16th, 2:02
Would you like to know what I pondered across while coming home from work tonight? What from my past I do miss? Clubbing/Drinking. I do. I feel most comfortable to be with my love to go <3
I miss stumbling upon the dance floor. I miss starting with a long island iced tea to get on the dance floor. Next with a shot of bacardi silver. Loud music.overplayed pop. <3trance<3 only the part upstairs is trance. where no one else is. the best is when you are the first one to start dancing. hahaha. ohhh nooo.
finally, I'm growing out my nails :) I don't wanna bite them because I want to show off my beautiful ring sal got me. :)
I'm watching the others right now. I remember the first time I watched it (pirated version) with anna...there was a spider behind me. it freaked me out and I couldn't watch the rest of the film. lol. "too scary"
just took a bath with epsom salt. and now I itch??
work tomorrow: 6 - 11
wed: none
thurs: 2-11 (seeee mmyyyy baby after work!!!)
friday: hoping it will be beautiful out, so we can do something nice outside <3333
- bravo.
-
- mistofmemories
- May 27th, 21:58
the housewives of new jersey is so fucked up! it's so sad how the women of jersey are betrayed. jersey already is thought of stuck up, rich, guido ppl. etc.
EH!
- -_o
-
- mistofmemories
- May 27th, 9:08
My mindset is back to the past of purevolume. I started my membership in September 2004, also the same time when I joined myspace. (which of course is deleted. rip radcore1)
three hours of sleep due to discovering new music. I much rather prefer music over sleep. SHOCKING! therefore I have this major headache. owhhh. my advil is in my car, along with pb choc chunk cookies. oh no! don't do it. just for the pk's please. maybe.
I was on my 2nd from last account of myspace and looked at "my favorites" - videos...and saw Hatebreed's vid "destroy everything" I went onto their new page and listened to their live songs. I Will Be Heard <3 <3
I recommend the band, Fit For An Autopsy, if you're interested in as I lay dying, almost is nothing.
- hXc/progressive music || search || may 09
-
- mistofmemories
- May 27th, 3:23
my sky your city (keepin` it sunny side up)
surrender the dance floor (just dance)
=this lady gaga theme is unintentional, fo real=
- one look @ you and I know what you're thinking
-
- mistofmemories
- May 27th, 2:58
no more cravings. no regrets there. I'm thankful for that <3
binge&..purge. new addiction.
overwhelmed. happy.
I'm so happy that I'm for now stable with the medication. I really have not had a problem.
Work is work. Being beat up by the bikes. I have sexxyy cuts and bruises on my hand from the weight while taking them down to customers, who don't end up on buying them. Having to put them back up so stupid ass hasidic kids or swine mexicans don't ride around the dept. with them.
#1 annoyances: what's the cheapest, good bike you have?
#2 annoyances: if you don't fuckin understand english go back to your damn country = mexico. stop bein like rabbits, just as bad as the jews. it's so sad. just what we need more people who don't understand common sense.
#3 the list goes on.
I was scheduled for 33 hrs this week, the most I've ever had! no problem there.
XM radio <3
I've never been so in love before! just thought I'd mention that :)
- and it all comes crashing down . . . now
-
- mistofmemories
- May 12th, 12:22
melancholy
- struggling emotions to face reality
-
- mistofmemories
- April 30th, 0:49
aggravated
Depression.
The two most significant symptoms of depression are:3
Sadness or hopelessness.
Loss of interest in or pleasure from most daily activities. my future career
Other symptoms include:3
Losing or gaining weight because of changes in appetite.
Sleeping too much or not enough.
Feeling restless and unable to sit still, or feeling that moving takes a great effort.
Feeling tired all the time.
Feeling unworthy or guilty without an obvious reason.
Having problems concentrating, remembering, or making decisions.
Thinking often about death or suicide.
I'm not thinking of death or suicide, I just wanted to make that clear.My goals are destructive. Next year, 23. No benefits. Will need to supply for my meds. Will I make it? I'd be in debt.side note.
The hole within my chest is full of anguish and anger.
Work is just tearing my insides apart. My as.ma. left. THANK GOD! I made it. She didn't fire me though I was SOOO close! the new assistant mana. seems nice. Hopefully I'll be able to get the days I want off in May. Or even in the Summer.
I kinda wanna do overnight shift soon. But that is still a lot of work. ++rough shift. 10.30 PM - 7 AM
___
PUSH YOURSELF TO BE THE BEST. DO NOT LET YOURSELF DOWN!
- s t o p
-
- mistofmemories
- April 29th, 2:47
please no more camel crush ' es,
god awful smell not only you but amongst everything around you. nothing takes it away. 5 minutes of calmness and euphoria. stop. yes. stop. when a friend offers. just say no thanks not today. ughhhhh. but they're good. NOOOOO not good. smell bad. ugh!
I have to shower again.
goodnight <3
- do tha hellen keller and talk wit yo hips.
-
- mistofmemories
- April 24th, 0:45
- relieved
life was complete at 9.33 PM tonight. one thing is missing from the whole image=sal to get 100% better <3 I love HIM SO MUCH! I don't want to see/hear him in pain or suffer.
- birthday
-
- mistofmemories
- April 16th, 15:33
accomplished
Today! is my birthday! + 2 year anniversary vtm.
:)
td @ 4. fml
ppa @ 6. guest speaker.
payyyyyyyday.
tomorrow party! with my fam and sal <3
- Over-Medicated.
-
- mistofmemories
- April 8th, 11:18
calm
what does one do when they are affected by being overly medicated?
tell the doctor that you are. how do they respond? "oh really?" but I'm still feeling more anxious/nervous in my daily life-I don't know how to control it and really trying to not let it affect me. "If needed, take the double amount you are already prescribed"
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Totally not doing as he suggested, whereas I'm still overly medicated, how can I avoid this?
Find a new doctor that is under my insurance, is knowledgable at what they prescribe me and what is going to help me. How is that search? Access Denied. Find a reasonable priced doctor who knows there shit. Found two. Let's see their pricing range.
Lexapro, Lamictal. Off Clonazepam </3 -- because I drink and that's SO dangerous, said by many ppl including my sister. Wow, that says a lot right? New: Provigil & Gabapentin. That last one has a sweet name. Probably because I work with gaba gaba toys at work. They're rockin and were originated from the band, Aquabats- as I've heard from others? Work, sometimes stressful. Down to 14.50 hrs next week =-o whereas the week after 24 hrs :) the paycheck will be low this weekers :( Work tonight, 5.45 - 11.30 (hopefully inventory is over) + everyone will be home watching AI ? =p Tomorrow = leaving for PA to see my babe. ++ EQUALS 5 months. I love you babes. I love him :) My ending of being 21 is in 8 days. I'm biting my upper lip and not sure as to why. I'm 67ing in Women and Gender because I failed the midterm, did average on the journals, and did radexellecent on the debate = FGM. interesting. 'Rents in Ft. Lauderale = Music loud, going to bed whenever. I love it. Did I mention I see him tomorrow until Saturday, then he's coming to join my family and I for Easter Dinner :) And lissa's bf is coming. He is a durrrrrrrrr. lol. The end.
- new soundtrack#2 bc 2009 (possible)
-
- mistofmemories
- March 25th, 0:48
feel the beat - darude
spin me right baby - gigi d'agostino
walk idiot walk/see through head - the hives
dance floor anthem - gc
remember (no one said it was easy) - the hint
self control - infernal ?
TBC